this little piggy came all the way home

Gosh, I know it's been a super long time since I've had anything interesting to say...well since 1985 to be exact, I'm sure I had a lot to say as a butch 6 year old and I'm sure it sounded pretty cute as well as insightful.

This past weekend we made the trek to Iowa for some good old fashioned graduation celebrating and marathon eating festivities. We left after work on Friday and made it in around 12:30 which was plenty of time to make it to CG's best friend's little brother's graduation party. I have never experienced anything quite like it except that it seemed like something you might find in a Bad News Hughes blog. Everyone was outside, high schoolers as far as the eye can see, drinking LOTS of alcohol while being supervised by insanely awesome parents...not necessarily their parents but someone's parents. There was singing of songs I've never heard before...something about "John Deer green" sung repeatedly at the top of lungs. My neighbors growing up practically shit themselves when we parked the car on their side of the street so imagine my shock when no one came to beat anyone over the head with a two by four, or a tractor tire or a rod of beef jerky! Seriously though, the family who threw the party are my new home away from home. I am going to do my best to hide at their place whenever Iowa is a callin', and it shouldn't be too hard because unlike any neighborhood I've ever lived in, they actually keep all of their doors open.


We left and went to CG's fam's house and were greeted by some incredibly drunk siblings, a douchebag fiance to one of her sisters, and his sister who was visiting them for the weekend whose only words to us were "Glad you could make it" as if it was this bitch's house. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's lucky I didn't shove the cell phone she was LOUDLY yapping on directly up her anus.


When we woke up we were greeted with the task of going wedding dress and bridesmaid dress shopping with the sisters. *****CG STOP READING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY*****

While, in general, I like her sisters, they have a LOT of fucking nerve parading the one sister's wedding in front of our faces and then completely ignoring the fact that WE are getting married. ALL of them have made it seem like it was such a fucking inconvenience for them to get their asses to our piddly little lesbian party not to mention the fact that NONE of them have stepped up to be a bridesmaid or even ask how the planning is going or offer to help in any way. None of them are coming to any of the THREEfucking showers we are having. That's right THREE! They couldn't fucking even try to come to one of them? One of her sisters was complaining about the 25vacation days she has to use by the end of the year or else she'll lose them. Um, excuse me you fucking retard, how about you spend at least ONE of those days even pretending to be interested in helping your gorgeous sister out. Seriously though, we go to all of their fucking crap and I'm pretty much sick of it. The only reason I go is because I am there to support CG and (while not holding hands) show that we exist as a couple. Her family has no idea what a wonderful woman she is, and how much bullshit she has to put up with just in order to make them feel better about their righteous selves. All of her sisters have had lots of sex before marriage. All of them could probably drink a lot of guys under the table. But because they're not gay and because they go to church on Sundays, somehow it makes them holier than us. Honestly, they can go fuck themselves because they are so incredibly selfish. Again, I do like them most of the time, but I find it incredibly selfish of them to rub their wedding stuff in our face and have the audacity to basically deny anything that has to do with ours. I mean, don't these people think about other people's feelings at all? Aren't the homophobic straight people always accusing us of rubbing our gayness in their faces? Those assholes can eat shit and die because all day every day heterosexuality is forced upon us. In songs, on billboards, in magazines, in movies, on tv shows, on the internet, in church, in temple...the list goes on.

Okay sorry I had to go off on that rant but there was no avoiding it. Even CG's best friend was getting angry over the way her family has treated our wedding to the point where she couldn't speak to the one sister who has confirmed that she will definitely not be there. My best friend is pretty pissed about it too. I think the two of them will get along famously when they meet at the wedding. They're both like 10 feet tall so they have to get along.

Okay so Saturday night after we got the wedding dress crap out of the way, we had lunch (or as they call it, "dinner"...I'm still trying to figure it all out). What's for lunch you ask? Why tater tot casserole! Yes, OF COURSE! With a side of cheesy potatoes and potato chips and ice cream for dessert. Not just any ice cream, this ice cream came from a soft serve machine that was inside their home, all set up and ready to go for the graduation party that night. That meant that it was there whenever it was wanted, and it was wanted often. I kid you not when I say that my entire weekend was only filled with tater tot casserole, cole slaw, cheesy potatoes, potato chips and ice cream. I ate one apple, two bananas and two muffins as well...but those were the only somewhat healthy things I ate in a span of three days. So, yes I'm back on the South Beach Diet bandwagon. Again. I'm doubling up my SBD diet and the Weight Watchers program, because I love to do things in excess (like eating, drinking, smoking and now dieting). Oh wait, I forgot to add some important things to the list of goodies I packed my stomach with all weekend...please add to the above list: Busch Lite and wine coolers. I haven't had a wine cooler since probably sixth grade, but I had a bunch this weekend...I think maybe I'll take a vow right now to never drink another wine cooler because, honestly, there is no point...the same could probably be said for the Busch Lite but when stuck in Iowa...do as the Romans. Most of my Busch Lite was drank quite a bit after church on Sunday right after my first time trying to play golf. Wait, do you "play" golf? That doesn't sound right but I do know it's considered a sport, right? Anyone have some insight? The long and short of it is, I suck at it and I don't really like it very much...good thing we're going golfing in a few weeks when we're back in Iowa for CG's parents' surprise 50th birthday party. Yeah, they're pretty young aren't they. Back to the Busch Lite, we went back to the BFF's place and I had many beers and shot the shit with CG, the BFF, two of her sisters and her dad and stepmom. I can't even tell you how much of a good time these people are. They told me the story of their stray cat that now lives in their home which they have named "Shitty Kitty". This is not a nickname, this is what the cat is actually registered under at the vet so when they call to say it's time for an annual checkup they have to say, "Yes, it's time for Shitty Kitty's checkup!" Shitty Kitty also has no front teeth and goopy eye that it can't really see out of and is the product of a brother and sister cat team getting their swerve on. We were laughing our asses off and they were having inner-family debates about Catholics vs. Lutherans and the Davinci Code and about whether or not George Bush is a complete asshole loser. Speaking of which, I got a good laugh when I read thisin USA Today this afternoon. Oh we had a great time.

We headed home in a rain and lightening storm on Monday, stopped at Ikea picked up a new shelving unit and coffee table, ordered sushi and spent the rest of the night putting together furniture.

Oh, I also forgot to include the part about us getting home before everyone else and trying to get our own swerve on. I was very close to orgasm when we heard people come home. CG said not to worry so I quickly took care of business and as we almost started the post-orgasm cuddle time, we heard someone fidgeting with the doorknob. A naked CG RAN to the air mattress she was going to sleep in, and I did whatever I could to cover my naked self in some balled up sheets that were at the foot of the air mattress that I was occupying. It was not an easy task. So, CG's very drunk brother totally busted us but I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember a thing. In fact, when he left the room he said "Good Day" and passed out in his room.


So here I am trying to work off my tater tot casserole gut one salad at a time.


Chiggity Check Yo Self Befo' You Wreck Yo' Self

m

p.s. how in the fuck is it June already?
80 more days until the wedding...holy shitballs.

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ranting for no reason - 2006-06-19

Heart be still - 2006-06-15